


you're my only hope

by etherealgh0st



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Hospitals, Humor if you squint, M/M, Self Harm, Smut, felix and jisung are best friends, felix's case is more of a side plot yet still kinda the whole reason behind jisung's struggles, hyunin if you squint, meontions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23360386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealgh0st/pseuds/etherealgh0st
Summary: Felix ends up in a hospital as Jisung goes through a lot behind the closed door.The battle between life and death is experienced by almost every character, the only hope is one's person they trully love.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Kudos: 14





	1. i'm here for you, just like you're for him

**Author's Note:**

> read tags, loves.

It happened so quick. The loud sobs of pure agony, the scene of his best friend's weak body crouching on the floor with white blooded petals laying in front of him and a couple of them in his palm. It was a devastating scene for him just as much as it was devastating for the boy's unrequited love of his so long boyfriend, whom he even called soulmate, for him.

He needed treatment at the hospital cause of the post depressive state and the pain in his chest being caused by the daffodils growing at a fast pace. 

Sitting in the hospital's hallway on one of the chairs, opposite of his best friend's room, his leg shook constantly as he was biting his bottom lip to the point where it started to bleed. As his gaze fell towards the glassed part of the door he could see his state in the pale, cold looking sheets which matched the boy's appearance. 

A warm palm was placed on his thigh, the leg that constantly shook, without his realization it became annoying to his friend that accompanied him. Chan's hand stopped Jisung's leg nerves as he looked him in the eyes with the most calming aura around him. 

"You're damaging yourself, don't do this Sungie. He'll be okay, as long as he sees you by his side everything will be okay." - he tried to calm his state which actually did help. Having Chan by his side at times like this is a blessing, especially while something bad is happening with his best friend. 

It would be better if things stayed like this, but to his luck it didn't. Changbin, Felix's so-called soulmate, now an ex boyfriend, a boy that Felix is so in love with decided to visit him. Jisung automatically, at the boy's sight, stood up and almost squared up, ready to beat him up. 

Knowing that you can't really choose with whom you'll fall in love and when will you lose the feeling of love towards that person, Jisung didn't want to have any connection with that guy. But since it's his best friend who got hurt, his little aussie boy, he wanted to fight him for even having the courage to come here, if Felix sees him it will be even worse. 

"What are you doing here?" - he could feel the ghosting of Chan's hand over his wrist as his friend probably saw the rage in his eyes and didn't know what he'll do. Bluntly spitting at the latter he was just giving him the look. 

"Look, i know i fucked up, i know it was too late and now he's in this state cause of me. I really don't want to be seen as an asshole, but i just can't control my feelings, no one can. I'm here to apologise to you and i want you to just tell Felix in my name that i'm deeply sorry. I know words can't help in this situation but please, it's not easy." - with that black haired boy bowed politely and left the building, not wanting to disturb them anymore as Jisung's eyes showed every piece of annoyance. 

He sighed shakily before sitting down again. Placing his face in his palms he started to cry quietly. Again, Chan's warm palm on his back soothed the situation. 

Three days have passed. College, quick take out, coffee, hospital, apartment, studying, hospital and repeat. Now Minho being the one that can accompany him as well he felt less lonely in the hospital's creepy hallway at nights. 

He slowly let go of his best friend's hand before softly kissing his cheek. "Nurse says i need to go now, stay alive for me, hm? I'm here for you, and so are Chan and Minho."

"Sungie-ah,,, you look tired." - his weak voice passed his pale lips as his, still bright and doe, eyes were looking up at him. 

"I'm okay, don't worry about that. Just hard classes and some exams are even coming up, yknow the drill." - he smiled warmly at the blonde, slowly pushing his fingers through his soft hair to make him feel safe. 

"You're not spending the nights here, and falling asleep on the uncomfortable chairs again, right?" - Jisung needed to lie for this one, he didn't want to worry his best friend and make him feel like it's his fault of him not getting enough of sleep. 

"No no, i go home when the nurses shoo me." - they both chuckled as Jisung's eyes started to get teary after seeing Felix's smiles for the first time in a while. He loved his smile and missed it so much. 

As he left the room he was greeted by Chan being on his phone and no presence of Minho. " Where's Lino?" - he asked before sitting down next to Chan. 

"He went to get you and himself coffee." - he voiced as he pocketed his phone away. 

"He smiled." - Jisung said it in almost above a whisper after getting the the answer to his question. Chan looked at him a bit confused as he didn't quite understand what he just said. 

"He smiled, after so long." - he repeated himself as a tear left his eye. His chest hurts so bad and he wants to drop on his knees and just sob until his best friend starts to feel full happiness again. 

"Oh Sungie-ah, there, i told you he'll get better. He's alive and will be well. Now don't cry, your head will hurt." - he started to pat his knee while softly encouraging him to calm down. 

Jisung started to cry softly as he bit his bottom lip. He hates himself for crying almost every second, he doesn't want to be in the centre of attention for his two friends as they already worry for Felix. He thinks they'll get annoyed for comforting him every day. 

"Ya, what's wrong now?" - he could hear a well know, deep yet so soft and soothing to his ears, voice before he could register a figure crouching in front of him and placing the coffee cups aside. 

"Hey, loser. Why are you crying?" - a soft whisper passed his ears as he shook his head at Minho before whipping off the tears that started to stain his cheeks. He felt his hands being cupped by his bigger ones. "Look at me." - he did as he was told. Gaze dropping down at his friend's eyes that looked so calming yet a sprinkle of worry could be seen as well. "Don't cry, it doesn't suit you. I accept it when you really can't keep it inside anymore but my lil Sungie became a crybaby, hm?" - that made him chuckle slightly just like it did Chan. 

"There you go, you look beautiful even if that smile was small, it was enough." - that reminds him of a moment that happened minutes ago with Felix. His friends really care for both of them, and it makes him feel calm inside. Without those two he'd be a lost case already. 

"Look, Sungie-ah. Want me to come over at your place and sleepover for a few nights so you don't feel lonely?" - he nodded in response while still looking down at him with doe eyes. He got a smile back and a soft kiss on his cupped hands. "When you'll want to go just tell me, we'll drive to my apartment to get some stuff then we'll go to your place." 

Jisung gulped at the small action of his, making his heart to a backflip and that unique feeling Minho always gave him which he ignores. 

"What about you, Chan Hyung? Wanna hang out with us?" - Minho asked before letting go of Jisung's hands, which Jisung instantly started to miss the feeling of, as he sat next to him. 

"Wish i could, but when i come home i need to do stuff for uni, maybe i'll stop by one morning so we can drink coffee together." 

"Yes, that'll be good. Better keep that promise. 

" I will, i will. A guy like me never misses free made coffee. "

" Of course" - Jisung finally commented which made them all chuckle. Minho handed the brunette his coffee with a small smile which Jisung returned. After the warm beverage and small talk, it looks like he managed to fall asleep on the chair after Chan started to text a friend about some assignments he needs to do and Minho told him he should rest his head against his shoulder so the talk toned down. 

He was woken up by Minho's small slap on the cheek which made him groan. "Come on sleepy head, let's go home, still need to get my stuff and it's already 11pm." 

He slowly stood up and checked Felix through the glass part of the door, he was sleeping peacefully and he really hopes he is and will get some rest. As they all parted their ways Jisung and Minho made it to his car. 

The car ride was silent, Jisung's tired state wasn't talkative and Minho was the not a talkative type in general. After he took what he needed the ride to Jisung's apartment was now accompanied by the radio's lofi music playing. 

*

It read 12:45am on Jisung's lockscreen of his phone as he checked the time before setting his phone aside on the kitchen's counter. 

"I'll sleep on the couch then. Just gonna take a shower after you do if that's not a problem." - Min voiced as he dropped his jacket on the couch. 

"Definitely not. You'll sleep in my bed, i'll take the couch. So and so i need to watch the tv to fall asleep quicker." 

"Sungie,,, this is your house, i'm a guest."

"That's why you need to be comfortable. I'll take the couch." - he stated firmly as his eyes were not leaving Minho's figure from coming towards him. His eyes got wider when the taller stopped an inch in front of him, which made him look up a bit. 

"Knowing you for so long, i better know by now that you're stubborn so,,, we'll share the bed, if that's okay with you." - his proposal made the shorter boy swallow dry and a hint of pink blush creeped on his cheeks. Which thankfully, at least probably, Min couldn't see since they still didn't turn on the lights so the only light in the apartment at the moment was the moonlight shining through the 'from ceiling til the floor' window that's located in his living room / kitchen which was opposite of it. 

"S- sure." - he slapped himself mentally for stuttering out of nowhere. Min just smiled merely in return. "Don't be scared, i won't bite you in your sleep." - he got a light slap in return on his chest which made him chuckle. 

*

3:04am

Jisung couldn't sleep for some reason so he came to make a cup of tea for himself which usually makes his body calm and feel sleepy. He stood on the balcony, resting his forearms on the fence as his eyes were scanning the city in its deepest night-time. 

He could hear light footsteps coming towards him. As he turned his head to check he saw Minho in a state that he'd never think would make his heart melt. His hair was a bit messy and fluffy, the only thing he wore was a black tshirt and his dark flannelled bottom pj's. His eyes were tired from just that two hour, if even that, sleep. He looked,,, cute. Jisung just wanted to cuddle him up and kiss his cheeks until he falls asleep. But maybe he should stop his thoughts, friends wouldn't do that, they are close, did stupid stuff together but,, maybe this all combined is just too much. 

"Why aren't you sleeping?" - Min said just above a whisper.  
"Could ask you the same." - he smiled a bit as how tired he was before turning back around and sipping on his tea. 

"I felt emptiness beside me." - he slowly walked closer, his slippers making light sounds before he stopped beside him. "You're acting like we're a married couple and all of a sudden you feel can emptiness cause i'm not in bed with you." 

"Shut up. Aren't you cold?" - Minho did the same pose in which Jisung was as he started to look around a bit, seeing how the night is beautiful and peaceful. 

"I have a hoodie on, unlike you." 

"Haven't been outside for, i don't know how long" - "Around 30 minutes" - silence washed over as Minho stared at him with a done face. Jisung stopped his movement of about to drink his tea as he raised his brows. They were looking at each other in those positions for a few seconds. 

"Get inside."  
"No." - he giggled quietly, for some reason to him this situation was quite amusing.  
"Jisung-ah" - he said in a firm voice. A voice that Minho never used, only when he's really angry or serious at someone, which only wakes up a 'i wanna tease him' side of his. Or if you wanna say submissiveness takes over him. 

"Make me" - it just came out of him as he sipped on his tea casually, not actually knowing how Minho will respond to that. 

"You lil stubborn brat. Get inside, if you didn't have a full cup of tea in your hands i'd carry you. Come on, i'll make you sleepy in the bedroom if the tea doesn't." - Jisung's eyes widen at that as he followed Minho's figure leaving him behind. 

He slowly made his way inside as Minho was nowhere to be seen, probably already got in bed. He finished his tea and washed the mug. As he walked inside his bedroom he saw his friend sitting under the covers and browsing on his phone. He looked up at him as they made eye contact. 

"I can play lofi on my phone, that'll make you relax." - Minho voiced as Jisung's heart stopped beating fast finally and he got in bed. "Ooh okay, that's a good idea. " 

*  
10:35am 

As Jisung finished his cup of coffee, Minho was already dressed up and ready for work. "How many classes do you have today, Sungie?" - he voiced while putting on his vans on. 

"Mmm one at 11 and the other one at 3pm. Since it's friday and i dropped out of one class i was supposed to have today." - a sigh left the boy's lips before he went to do the same as Minho after grabbing his backpack. 

"It's so stressed, hm?" - a tone of worry could be heard in his voice while his eyes were following the smaller boy's figure, slowly getting his dark martin's on. He only nodded in return, visibly not wanting to talk about this. 

"Want me to take you on a date after Felix's visit at the hospital?" - Jisung's head quickly adjusted to look up at Minho from where he was on one of his knees tying his shoelaces. "A... d-date?" - again, stuttering for no solid reason, he should really work on that small flaw of his. 

"Can put it that way or... yknow, grab a cup of coffee and take a walk through a place that i like, you'll like it, trust me, it's a beautiful place." - Jisung stood up straight from his past pose and adjusted his backpack to fit comfortably over his shoulders. 

"That would,, actually be nice." - they exchange smiles as Minho boops his nose which makes Jisung scrunch it in return with a small giggle. As they were walking out of his apartment towards Minho's car, Jisung softly mentions "We can call it a date." - it made Minho smile, but not too much, he tried to hide his excitement as much as possible as they sat inside his car. 

*

Jisung's first class went pretty much chill as it always would in his anatomy class, but the only different thing about today was his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about one specific person only now it not being Felix and him being worried non stop. It was about Minho, and his heart would act differently, his imagination would imagine stuff he never did before, of course there being a limit. At one point he even started ti think about the boy's perfect lips and how he wants to feel them against his own. 

Maybe he should stop thinking about that. But when he tried, he just couldn't. If he even tried his hardest, who knows. 

After his first class he went out to grab lunch with his fellow classmate who he became close friends with.  
As Hyunjin and him chatted in a small restaurant, having a meal he really needed today since the only thing he had in his stomach by now was coffee, he got a text from Minho. 

angry bunny  
hope you're not too tired since  
you barely slept

am on a break rn, did ur class  
end? 

me

yea, few minutes ago

i'm having lunch with hyunjin 

angry bunny

a friend? 

me

yes, why? 

angry bunny 

just asking. i'll pick u up after  
ur second class

me

oho, ok. thanks

A smile was painted on his lips the whole time, not noticed by him but by his friend it was. "Who was that, hmm?" - Hyunjin asked with a smirk and a raised brow. 

Jisung looked at him and chuckled a bit at his silly face. "A friend, Lee Minho." - "Oh i think i may have heard about him. My boyfriend works in a coffee shop downtown, he talks about his colleagues at times."

"Yes, that's him. He's been working there after he finished high school. He went to college for a year but dropped out cause his dream job is to open his own coffee shop one day."

"Ooh, well maybe he should. Yknow their business has been going better since the day Minho started to work there" - Jisung smiled at that an nodded. He knows, that's why he's so proud of his friend and loves how ambitious and chill he is.

"And your boyfriend's name..." - "Jeongin, Innie baby." - he chuckled at the nickname. "I saw him. I only grab coffee from that coffee shop and i think i only saw him three times. Unfortunately i never pick the right time for when it's his shift-" 

"Yea he works there part time since he goes to an art uni" 

"Well then that's why as well. But he serves me every time that i bump into him and he's always so sweet and has that special smile on his face. But didn't he have braces,, first time i saw him he did, other two times he didn't anymore." 

"Yea, he had them. A shame he doesn't have to have them anymore but it's not a pain in the ass for him anymore. But he was so cute with 'em." - Jisung chuckled at his pout and how actually cutw their relationship is. 

"What a coincidence i' d bump into your boyfriend and few days after or so i think we started to hang out." - "That project befriended us"  
"Oh yeaa" - they laughed when remembering how the project nights went. 

After a few more chats about Jeongin and Minho, the cafe and memories of the project Hyunjin got a bit quiet debating to ask a question. "Mm, how's Felix. Right? It's Felix." - Jisung nodded slowly, automatically biting his inner cheek. 

"I can't say how he is in his name but,,, yknow. As his best friend i really want him to be better." - his chest was in pain again when remembering the scenario from that day. 

*

As his second class ended as well, he was in Minho's car by now. Their destination was the hospital as Jisung got a call from Chan that he's already there. Once they came as well Jisung was let inside the room. 

He smiled softly at his best friend. He sat next to him and placed his small hand in his own hold. His heart hurt so much every time he'd see him like this, tears would form in his eyes but he had to collect himself in front of Felix. 

They talked about anything and everything just not his current state. Felix hates talking about bad situations that he's in. When he'd feel depressed or just very low, they'd always talk about anything and it would make Felix feel calm to know that Jisung is always there for him. And tat Changbin was there for him in a period of time. 

Minho was allowed to go inside as well as he brought him a cup of his own made cappuccino. That made Felix feel warm and a smile was painted on his face. 

Chan came inside the room as he apologised for that he had to use the restroom. They all chatted as Jisung had never let go of the boy's hand. Started to talk about some plans they'll all have when he'll be let out of the hospital. They tried to tell him he shouldn't give up cause at one point Felix started to tear up saying how he's losing hope. 

"I'll take you to Australia, hm? Sounds good? We can visit your home town and you can show me the things you liked as little. Then i can show you my favourite ice cream shop in Sydney" - Chan was talking while having their fingers intertwined. 

Jisung's eyes dropped on their hands as a smile formed on his lips. He noticed that every time he came in Felix's room Chan was always so talkative with him, even more than Jisung by now. 

He looked over at Minho as he raised a brow and glanced at Chan, giving Jisung a small smile. He smiled as well in return, looking back at Felix as he gently pushed away couple of hair strands of his eyes. 

"We're all here with you, Lixie." - softly kissing his forehead as he sat back down he could see Chan still holding his hand and caressing it with his thumb as his eyes dropped down. They were heavy with emotions and he knew that. 

"Mr. Han. The time's over, he needs to take some pills and a treatment. Also the doctor will see you outside." - a nurse voiced softly at the door as she bowed politely. They all bid a goodbye to Felix before they left. He gave him a last smile for today before the nurse closed the door. 

Chan and Minho were seated on hallway's chairs as Jisung was passing back and forth. He could feel Minho's eyes on him but he didn't budge, his mind was running wild not knowing what the doctor will say. Are they bad or good news.

"Mr. Han." - he quickly turned around when he was called by the doctors voice. His hands were all sweaty and his heart was beating as the doctor was flipping through Felix's papers. 

"As you already know the two options. We either make the operation and he won't feel any kind of emotion of love again unless someone else's love for him is so strong or we don't make the operation and he'll suffer with his lost love. Unfortunately no one can make the decision. Felix suffers from depression and ptsd. It would be a risk to take out the flowers growing from his lungs as when we'd do that he'd feel much worse than a person without other mental illnesses." - Jisung's eyes got teary as every got blurry to him. 

"You're telling me that,,, you can't save him at all. In any kind of shape or form. First or second option he'll still suffer!? " - on the last sentence he raised his voice unintentionally as Minho got up quickly and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"If we don't do the operation he can be on meds that will stop the growing of the flowers and he'll stop having severe coughs. But he'll still be in love with a person that's not meant to be. If we do the operation he or might lose the battle in the middle of it or give up on everything by himself. The emotions will be so strong one minute and so non existing the other moment which could aslo mess him up."

"How can a so innocent boy deserve such a misery? He always took care of him when he felt low, he gives everyone so much love, is always there for his loved ones. Always puts smiles on our faces even though he feels low behind that beautiful,,, beautiful smile of his." - tears started to roll down his cheeks as his hands trembled. The doctor was only looking at him in pity. 

" He never did anyone wrong. If someone did something wrong that that's me, i should suffer, he doesn't deserve this!" - Jisung started to sob out of heavy emotions as his chest hurt so bad. Minho tried to calm him down as Jisung dropped on his knees. Minho gave the doctor a nod as he slowly left. 

Sobbing quietly as his hands were forming fists then slowly undid them. Minho noticed that and panicked inside.  
"Sungie, please listen to my voice and calm down." - he gestured to Chan to bring him a cup of water. 

As Minho slowly picked the boy up, they sat on one of the chairs and he was slowly running his hand up and down the boy's thigh, squeezing here and there, feeling the tense muscles." Don't do this to yourself, nor to him and us." - he took a deep shaky breath before exhaling. When Chan gave him the water mixed with a bit of sugar he slowly sipped on it trying to collect himself. 

Jisung decided to stay a bit longer after they took a walk in the hospital's yard. When coming back inside Minho left Jisung to go quickly use the restroom.

Jisung's mind was running but his heart felt empty and heavy. A weird emotion filled through his body and he hated it. After Minho came back he saw Chan leaving towards the exit. He looked up at Minho asking him with only a look. 

As he sat down next to him his eyes never left the floor. He couldn't quite read his expression. "Chan's in love with Felix." 

"Like... In love in love or?" - Jisung's voice trembled while looking at Minho's eyes, like he's trying to find the answer himself. 

"He said he's been coughing white petals, did a little research and matched them." - Minho's eyes slowly shifted to look at Jisung's doe teary eyes as his head was slowly shaking an 'oh no'.

"It's a gardenia. Flower that represents forbidden or secret love."


	2. true side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sensitive chapter ahead. Please read the tags as always.
> 
> The second chapter isn't that long, i'm sorry for that, but the next one will be, i promise. In here i just wanted to show Jisung's true side and what he is/was dealing with.

The next day Jisung woke up with a bad headache that was probably caused by the stresfull experience yesterday and a lot of crying. In the end he didn't go out with Minho as they scheduled it for another day.

As he slowly opened his eyes with the most dull pain on his forehead, he was greeted by the early sunrise peeking through the blinds. His old habit of sleeping on his stomach made him almost suffocate on the pillows as his face was buried in them. He felt unlikely comfortable in the nest of the blankets and the sheets but Minho wasn't present in the bed.

When he slowly sat up and took his phone to check the time, his phone's bright screen managed to make his head hurt like someone banged his front head with a pan. Seeing that it was almost 8am he sighed. Waking up so early on a sunday morning isn't his personal favourite but he guesses that it's Minho's.

Jisung placed a blanked over his head and hugged his body with it. He'd put his round glasses on and slipped on his slippers he made his way to the kitchen. When he walked inside he saw Chan on one of the stools by the counter with a mug in his left hand as his chin was propped up by his right palm. Minho on the other hand was standing opposite him, his lower back resting on the kitchen. "Morning, Sungie." - he voiced as Jisung's small figure caught his eyes. He looked over at Minho again and saw a smile that was painted on his face.

He had the same look again just like the last night, the look that made Jisung's heart skip a beat and just coo silently. " Morning" - he slowly walked further in and smiled at Chan which was returned. He doesn't know if he should mention anything about his love for Felix since he doesn't know if Minho told Chan anything about telling him about it as well so he kept quiet when it came to that topic.

"How do you feel?" - Minho asked before sipping on his coffee. Jisung started to pour himself a cup before sitting down on one of the stools. Not so easily though since the blanket was in the way but he managed. "My head is pounding." - he answered before taking a big gulp of his black coffee. "Maybe you should take a pill for it." 

*

After Chan left for uni and Minho for his part time shift at work, Jisung was home alone, he decided to not attend classes today and stay at home, try to collect his thoughts.

As he walked into the bathroom, opening the cabin where he keeps his meds, Jisung's palm grabbed the xanax bottle and slowly opened it. His heart was beating, chest felt heavy, mind was hazy. He didn't know what would come out of this, he didn't quite understand his own intention, but he wanted it, wanted it so bad.

One pill dropped on his other palm, then another. One more shake and he had three pills in his palm. Staring at it like he was hypnotised by it. "Fuck." - a curse slipped over his tongue before quickly placing the two pills back in the bottle and taking only one. He slammed the cabin and gulped down the pill.

Hands gripping the sink he looked at his own reflexion in the mirror. 'What am i doing, what am i fucking doing. Felix needs you' - a voice banged inside of his head as he left the bathroom, making his way to his room. The day went by slow in his opinion.

Laying in his bed and just staring out the window, getting up to walk over to the balcony a bit, then he'd be back in his room. Not really looking at the time, without knowing Minho came back as it was 6pm already.

"Hey, how was your day? Rested well?" - he voiced while taking off his shoes and putting his jacket away. He could feel his gaze on him as Jisung's forearms were rested on the window, back turned towards Minho.

"Yea." - with a simple answer his eyes didn't move from one spot. He didn't even know what he was looking at as his thoughts were fogging his vision. Then silence, guess he went to change or use the bathroom. The bathroom. He put away the pills, right? He took them hours ago, he must've placed them away.

"Jisung." - he only uses his full name when he's serious. 'Fuck.' Few more curses in his head before he turned around. Facing Minho's figure as he held the pill bottle in his hand. A face full of worry, anger and sadness. His heart sank as he gulped down a lump that was forming in his throat. "I'm on prescription again." - the words left his mouth slowly while looking at his friend in the eyes.

"Show me the papers, Jisung." - Minho said firmly, he could tell that he was trying not to yell at him. In this kind of situation anything can be a trigger. His body started to move finally on his weak legs as he walked to his room to get the papers. More like the fake ones. He came back and gave it to him. Trying to maintain the shakyness of his hand. Minho's eyes gazed over every single letter while Jisung was looking up at him closely.

"Okay." - left his lips, soft and almost above a whisper. Sounding like he almost started to cry yet his eyea were so heavy and firm as he looked at Jisung's furrowed eyebrows with his doe eyes looking up at him."I just, i'm sorry. I really just don't want the last year to repeat itself. The reason why i get so-- mad and investigative is cause i care about you, and you know that." - Jisung nodded slowly and took the paper and the pills away from him.

"I know. But maybe you should stop that." - Minho's eyes widened a bit as he stod there speechless. "I- I'm sorry-- I"

"Yea, it's fine, don't worry about it." - he slowly walked inside the bathroom but when he locked the door he slowly started to slide down against the door as tears started to leave his eyes. "Fuck fuck fuck" - silent cusses left his trembling lips as he dropped the papers and the pills. He hugged his knees and tried to muffle down the sobs. Everything felt so strange, so dark, the same feeling he had a year ago for two years straight. "Shit." - he inhaled and sighed with a cry.

"Oh god" - his voice trembled. His head falling back, he instantly bit his hand. Hoping Minho won't hear anything. The urge was big, so big. He was lost, in his own mind. Caged. He needed to do it, how else should he make the mental pain stop. But did it really stop after he'd do it.

Not remembering he slowly crawled towards his cabin under the sink.

*

_Everything was moving slow, the time, he himself. He felt happy, light, he needed more of it. Jisung stood up from where he was sitting on the couch, walking through the crowd between a herd of people, to him the space felt small all of a sudden. But he didn't care about that, he had one thing in mind. And he needed ir now._

_Walking upstairs was a hard task at the moment to him but he somehow managed it. As he walked inside the bathroom and closed the door behing him, the music was a bit muffled now. The chatter inaudible. He took the needed thing out of his tight black jeans' pocket and placed the small plastic bag on the counter._

_Feeling a bit hot, Jisung unbuttoned his silky bordo shirt by one and got down to business. By crushing the pill into a dusty form he rolled a paper into a small tube like figure. Inhaling the product that he crushed he looked up into the mirror._

_His brunette hair, styled to make his appearance hot was a bit messed up by now, his pupils were small, his bottom lip a bit bruised by the making out with some random guy, in that moment he didn't care, he felt happy. That's what mattered, that emotion he only feels when taking drugs._

_By cleaning the surface and throwing the plastic bag and the paper down the toilet he walked out of the bathroom. Bumping into a classmate of his, not quite registering his face at the moment, he got his ass squeezed by him. Not really giving shit in his high state he let it pass, walking back to the living room._

_After, he doesn't know how much time, of feeling happy and parting till he passes out, he did in the end pass out. Waking up in a comfortable bed he slowly opened his eyes. His head was throbbing and his body felt heavy. When his vision got stable he saw his best friend on the bed next to him, his small hand was brushing his hair._

_Felt nice, warm, loving. A low voice was heard to his ears all of a sudden. He couldn't quite understand what he was saying, but he knew it belonged to Minho. The room was dim, only light coming from the desk lamp. Wait, what time is it. How is it still night._

_He gulped down as his throat felt dry, a small groan escaping his lips as Felix sat up quickly. By noticing his awake state he was handed a bottle of water. "Sit up slowly and drink this." - Felix's voice, he loved hearing it. It was soothing._

_He didn't move for a few seconds, his eyes wandering to Minho's figure which was looking back at him. A chuckle left Jisung's lips before he sat up. "Fuck, i think it still didn't leave my body" - the latters didn't say anything he just cleared his throat after his statement and took the bottle._

_Gulping down a good amount of it before handing it to Felix, not looking at him. Only getting a sigh in return. His eyes fell on Minho again, his gaze still on the boy. Eyes full of worry, sadness and anger before they fell down to look at his lap. Jisung felt like crying and he couldn't quite put a finger on the answer behind it. Looking at Felix he could see how disappointed he was in him._

_"I disappointed you." - Jisung finally voiced again, eyes glued at Felix. He shook his head at that. "Just-- you're alive, that's all that matters"_

_'What you're doing to me doesn't.' - Jisung knows that's how he would end it._

_Felix excused himself as he left towards the bathroom. "You should realise finally what you're doing to him-- to yourself and us, Jisung. I don't want to play any of your little games anymore. Get a fucking grip, you just crossed a line. And you know Lixie will forgive you, he knows if he raises his voice at you he'll trigger a switch inside you. That's why he's scared, using a soft metode for you to finally go to rihab." - he kept his voice low._

_" That's why i'm here, i'm too fucking worried for your life Jisung, i'm not gonna stand here and watch you lose yourself over and over again. From now on i'll have a close look on what you're doing and you'll have to show me the papers. I am not a replacement to your parents, if you pull that card on me again i will leave everything behind. With a hard heart." - Jisung gulped down and only nodded, his gaze falling down._

_The door cracked open as Felix peacked his head in. "It's 7am. I'll make breakfast. You better at least have eggs in your fridge Jisung."_

_An 'I do' left his lips above a whisper as he still felt Minho's gaze on himself._

_*_

Minho gave him space, thankful for it, yet not really. He didn't know himself. That night he slept alone in his bed again, Minho took the couch. He felt like shit.

Slowly sitting down on his bed and laying down. Covering himself with the cold sheets he stared right in front of himself. Gulping down heavily he sighed with a shaky breath. That night he didn't get any sleep and what will happen tomorrow, he doesn't know. He will visit Felix, that's a must. Calling his mom, seeing when her plane is landing from Australia to Korea so he can arrange a taxi for her. He started to make plans in his head now, he can't lose control.

Not again.


End file.
